​Everything’s a maybe
Hardly ever yes or no
I’m good today but how I’ll be tomorrow
I really don’t know
I live in the moment but not by choice
Because I can’t control what goes on in my head
So I might come to your party but I also might
Curl up in a dark corner, alone, instead
 
A million and one things to do
My physical body is capable
But my heart might start pounding a hundred beats per-minute
And suddenly they are impossible
I can only imagine what it must be like
To have to live with me this way
I’ll cook clean, write, do everything
And then do nothing the very next day
 
I strategize to beat my brain
And it’s crippling grip on my breath
On a day when I’m fine I’ll do all that I can
To prepare for the day I can hardly get dressed
Try to make a hundred friends
 But know in the end, only a couple will stick
Because I pick up the phone as I dial their number
And suddenly my stomach feels sick
 
I can blame no one but myself
For how few people I have in my life
I wish I could control it but every day
It’s a constant losing fight
I know I’m smart, capable and nice
Someone anyone would be happy to know
I know I can sing, love and work
But I’m limited to where I can go
 
Because the moment my breath becomes short,
My legs start to shake and my head feels like air
I’m stuck with my eyes closed, my legs at my chest
And my fingers running rapidly through my hair
But the worst of it is not what I can’t do
Or even the moments I’m hyperventilating
It’s seeing your eyes when I tell you what’s wrong
And you answer with utterly nothing.

Trying to love a stranger
The stranger in my skin
She looks like me, a little bit
But that's just where it ends
Trying to love this stranger
Unrecognizable at best
My fragile fight, my passive war
Where I have no rest
 
Trying to love a stranger
The stranger with my heart
She cries at silly things
And is better than me at art
Trying to love this stranger
Who swears much more than me
Bitter with deeper anger inside
Than I ever thought could be
 
Trying to love a stranger
My stranger with my name
And everyone knows but nobody will say
That nothing is the same
But she isnt mean, she isn't cruel
Just tougher and more closed off
But this stranger could tell you more than I could
About what it means to love
 
Not ready to admit it yet
That she is what I've become
But one day I'll accept it
One day ill feel at home
But now my best friends a stranger
Eats with me, sleeps with me in bed
Because trauma killed the child
But spared the woman, now, instead

​I hate it when its summer time
It hardly ever rains
No cozy sweaters no teatime
Just sunburns and pain
Everyone is out somewhere
Causing trouble I gotta fix
I have to stay up till 1 just to see no sun
And the heat makes everyone dicks
 
I hate it when its summer time
I cant wear a lot of black
We never go camping as much as we plan
And when we do mosquito attack
Suns too hot, waters too cold. And I really hate wearing pastels
Forests blaze up cloud the sky forcing everyone to go inside
And imagine what it's like to live in hell
 
The worst part is summer flings
No well thought out romances
My friends think that just cuz its summertime
Itll improve their romantic chances
It doesnt, they just find some asshat with a four by four and a masculinity complex
But its summer so they'll still take their chance
And the next and the next and the next
Summer is not the time for love
Cuz the heat messes with everyone's head
Dont let dehydration make you hallucinate
Or you'll think you see pink flags when they're actually red
 
And what's the deal with summer bodies?
Who actually likes wearing swimsuits?
But we starve ourselves to wear these dumb things
For the insta likes instead of eating good  food?
And shorts, I dont want to wear shorts
They're tiny and I'm scared they'll fly up
And who actually wants to see my hairy toes?
In a flimsy pair of flip flops?
 
I can go on but you get the gist
Summer is overrated
When it leaves it wont be missed
By me or the five douchebags that my best friend dated
This season is good for indoor reflection
And hiding under hats and umbrellas
If you can go to another nation
Be heat crazy where it's not all in front of us
You cant change my mind, I want to wear toques
Also, sunscreen is disgusting
So please leave me be in my pit of misery
Until fall sets me free from this season of overheating, lusting and frustrated cussing
And I can be comfortable again in the dark with a blanket a book and some tea

​The look in your eyes was refreshing, bright as stars and so believing
Your colors shone like many rainbows and you drew so many to you
Your life was adventure and family, a true born adrenaline junkie
Never prepared to find a home, life wasn’t long enough for all you wanted to do
Dear hope don’t die
 
You didn’t believe you could lose a battle
Your mind was strong your body able
And your heart could see the better of anyone you’d ever meet
Then they told you, you were a bit too much
But your soul was still too tough to touch
Until you got hit by your deepest love your family
Dear Hope, don’t die
So you told yourself you’d wait it out
Couldn’t take longer than a month no doubt
And you couldn’t understand what all your tears were about or the nightmares and the starving too
But there were people who needed love
Just needed to make yourself strong enough
So you proved to yourself that you were tough but you lost that light in you
Dear Hope don’t die
 
Dear Hope don’t die
When you lost your mind
When you lost your light
Don’t let your hope die
You let your hope die
 
Dear Hope don’t die
You’re still alive
You’re not a zombie you know for who you fight
Don’t let your hope die
Don’t let your hope die

​May the demons on your soul be gone
May the darkness leave your heart
May you find the beauty in your eyes
Come home from your journey so far
The particles of evil
Unlatch themselves from you
The drugs finally leave your system
And you be born anew
 
I pray all this for you
 
In the loneliness you feel
Find peace in your turmoil
Your fear to see your face
Rot away and spoil
You are not what you’ve done, my friend
And I don’t care what it is
May you forgive yourself tonight
And be free from all that shit
 
Don’t let the coldness win, I beg you
Fight it like a villain in a tale
Maybe you won’t believe me
But I swear your soul is strong not frail
I pray to the one who gives me eyes
The eyes I have to see
That you will find joy and light as well
And that you will be free
All these things I believe

​I wade through the clothes on my floor
Something might be clean
Clean enough to wear to work
Maybe put on my husband’s shirts
Over it
I’ll look like shit
But I work with youth
I don’t have to put on airs for them
I just have to care for them
 
10 AM I woke up ten minutes ago
My alarm shook me out of rem sleep
Whats the matter with me?
I fell asleep 11 hours ago
Third night in a row
Nobody can honestly tell me that’s normal
 
On the outside I’m making friends
Got a raise
Living a life I couldn’t even dream for
But I put off falling asleep because that’s five minutes without distractions
To think of all I’ve lost
And the hollowness in my core
I pray for hours every weekend
Get to see you work through me
Shouldn’t that be enough?
To make me smile and laugh with all I am
To make me feel at peace?
This is hard, this is tough
No amount of effort and good things can cover my hollow ache
From forgiving you
 
I knew I’d be a different person
When everything blew over
The summer from hell I’ll remember it by
At least I got to keep my kindness
But I lost my love for life
I don’t look forward to the weekend
Not excited for the week
I can bury myself in art or just do nothing and watch tv
It doesn’t matter to me
I want those who hurt me to see this and know what they’ve done
But at the same time I’d rather me
Their casualty
Because I’ve never lost my kindness
I don’t want anyone to feel this but me
Sometimes an open heart is like a trap
No matter what I feel I cant react accordingly
 
I feel like I’m watching myself laugh
Rarely cry but always love
Maybe you’re just acting out my life for me
Pulling the strings until the trauma dims and I’m ready
Ready to come back to me
I just pray I don’t get ptsd
I can’t rush recovery
But I have nightmares every night
Don’t ask me why
And I rarely cry
Why don’t I cry?
 
Sometimes I play with makeup and clothes
Make believe I’m someone else
Not tough or strong or stoic
But young and stupid and selfish
She has a name and she’s nothing like me
But she’s awfully, awfully pretty
It’s nice to be a character in a story, not a person with a broken heart
Someone who can fade out
When the hero’s ready to pick up her sword
And try again
Be somebody who’s rescued not always doing the rescuing
I despise my strength
Because I can’t justify failing when I know I can do it
But I want to fail
I want to do shit
But I can’t just act like a dimwit
I can’t be dotty
Much as I love her stupid weak mask
Her beautiful aesthetic is only just that
 
Perhaps, I don’t wish to feel more rather less
Just be dumber and act on instinct
Perhaps I’m not watching myself from afar
But rather am too deep in my soul I want to scream
I just want to wake up at 8 again and start singing
I want to wish you heart breakers were watching
And had the ability to understand what I’m feeling
If they knew what it was like to want to scream in their own skin
Like I do every night
To want to bolt to the woods without any lights
To pull out my hair and throw up my guts
So that’s it, I can feel after all
I just know if I let myself go
There’ll be hell to pay
So I’ll just sleep in an extra three hours a day
Leave my clothes on the floor, have sex just to feel okay
And wait till my feelings are weak enough
For me to open them up
And let them come to my face

I love the smell of old church
The silence when no one is there
I’ll lie on the floor and stare at the ceiling
It’s weird but I don’t care
The stained glass patterns I reorganize in my brain
Putting the blue with the red and the burgundy stain
We can talk about anything, everything
And the silence is like your smile over me
​
I love the slanted roof, the old wooden panels
They reach up to meet one another. The warm air
Because if it’s not how is anyone to fall asleep
If the sermon is too boring or nobody cares?
I love the frayed cushions on the seats
With the broken armrests and unbalanced legs
I can wobble them for hours with nothing to blame my distraction on
But a broken peg
I love old churches,
I love churches
When nobody but me is in them

I was in a really dark time so I wrote a poem about it. It was a bit too dark for me so after I wrote it I translated it through google translate a few times to make me laugh. Here are both versions. I like the second one best. 
Depression
Distracting myself has become a full time job
Distracting myself from thinking of you
Craving a crisis I could grieve where I’d know what to do
Give me sleepless nights, give me that dull feeling
Then I’ll write a song and wake up human
I can handle a lot but this round is so much harder to make it through
Food loses its flavour, I long for nights’ darkness
Days are like chores I wake up feeling listless
Doesn’t matter all the many speeches I offer myself
Noon hits and I’d rather faint than take something off the shelf
It took me awhile to admit I am depressed
 
Just one email, it might all be better
Or news it was all a mistake
Maybe an apology but I doubt you’d do that
Not on your own, for your own sake
I tried to be angry; it was nice for awhile
Blame you or blame God above
But that lasted a day, now I just cry
For those for whom I can’t suppress all my love
 
So much to do, so much depression
Like a wall of steel covered in mist
Started a new job, and another new project
So on it continues, duties on the list
There’s a hole inside me
 I feel hollowed out
I move like a person
But if I am is in doubt
 
Give me electric shock treatment
Force me out of this dark hole in the mud
Give me rage once again, Let it boil in my blood
Spare me the aftershock This hungry souled aching
To crave a better crisis Is all I know to be feeling
It’s messed up I know, but it’s better than dealing with the crud
I wake up each morning, anxious for news
But I know that is useless there’s nothing I can do
 
At least anticipation offers me a thrill
I don’t feel so tired for the minute it kills
Maybe tomorrow I’ll be better, sometime soon
Wait it out, let it pass
I’ve felt this before just in the past it was easier to ignore
And at least there were things I could do to feel more in control
But there’s nothing for me now but this addicting cold

Sorrow
This became a task that confused me
think about it
I solved the problem so I wanted to know what I was doing
Give me a quiet night and make me sad
Then write a song and get up
I can see more, but this translation is very difficult
When food disappears, I will join the darkness that night
Days like a stone
I do not invite you to provide any other information he gives you
At noon it is black and may be smaller than some cells
Spent some time
The email address may be correct
If the messages are a bug
Maybe I'm sorry, but you think you are
No, just to protect me
I'm crazy, trying to give me some time
Fear of heaven and God's error
But one day I cried
I can not imagine my love for them
Very, very stressful
It is used as an iron wall
I started working, another new job
So goes on, working in the same way
It's a hole in me
I can hear it publicly
I moved as a man
But if you did not know then
 
Give me an electric steering wheel
She was forced to leave the balcony in the second
I'm still angry with blood
My back is to keep this life in trouble
I want to be very happy about the problem
I do not know how bad it is, but much better than dealing with the problem
I will wake up every morning to find out more
But I hope it's a mistake to avoid being able to help
It was a very enthusiastic excitement that gave the feeling of excitement
I do not feel tired of death
Maybe I'll be better tomorrow soon
Wait, leave it
I think it's easy to neglect
And I have less of a business I can handle more
But today not for me, but it is very good
And a leak, weak, fat in my soul

I've recently moved back, near to the place that broke me more than anywhere else I've ever been. It took me two years to beat it and find myself again and I'm terrified I'll revert back to the scared little girl who left. I know I'm someone stronger, braver, and tougher now but that just makes me even more afraid to lose what I gained these past two years. God wants me to forgive and I thought I did but apparently I didn't and I might have to go back and face the people, even just the reminders of what happened and I don't think I have it in me. 
​  
Don’t want to follow that trail back
Don’t want to be reminded of the courage I lack
Don’t want to see their faces and remember what they did
I’ve pulled myself straight up this cliff
I’m afraid what will happen if I let go, what if
The way up again will be just as barren and cracked?
The agony, loneliness and tears
The darkness, hopelessness, and fear
Are what I see when I look behind
Why do I have to face it?
Why must I turn and chase it?
When the pain still, won’t even leave my mind
I’ve reached the top of the mountain
Why do I have to look down?
 
Forgiveness is a treasure to be protected it’s true
But can’t I forgive from a distance like I do
Can’t I move on without damaging this delicate balance of sanity?
Healing from this was the hardest thing I ever did
I don’t think I can bear to go back and look at it
Promise me I you won’t make me do it unless you help me

​Cry with me, Father, cry with me
For the lives that never had to be lost
Feel the brokenness of the ones who lost their dearest friends
and wallow in the senselessness of those gunshots
Father, cry with me

The sun streams onto me, something I don't want to see
Let me feel the torrents of your tears
In the clouds up above show me the agony of your love
Let me know you're not as aloof as you appear
Let me feel the torrents of your tears

Meld my tears into your own
Let us share this cold night together
Freeze your heartbreak into my bones
Let me know you'll feel it forever
It doesn't make any sense why so many keep on dying
And the fight we keep on fighting feels so useless
How can you look inside our hearts and know what we have capacity of
And let us keep living on like this?
But that's a question
And nothing's getting answered tonight

Our lives are just like sand, slipping through my hands
Wind that passes with nowhere to go
But if you water the sand with your tears it will stick to my hand and not disappear
and I know
That means nothing really.
But your grief might bring meaning to this tragedy
​So cry, Father cry, with me