I wade through the clothes on my floor
Something might be clean
Clean enough to wear to work
Maybe put on my husband’s shirts
Over it
I’ll look like shit
But I work with youth
I don’t have to put on airs for them
I just have to care for them
10 AM I woke up ten minutes ago
My alarm shook me out of rem sleep
Whats the matter with me?
I fell asleep 11 hours ago
Third night in a row
Nobody can honestly tell me that’s normal
On the outside I’m making friends
Got a raise
Living a life I couldn’t even dream for
But I put off falling asleep because that’s five minutes without distractions
To think of all I’ve lost
And the hollowness in my core
I pray for hours every weekend
Get to see you work through me
Shouldn’t that be enough?
To make me smile and laugh with all I am
To make me feel at peace?
This is hard, this is tough
No amount of effort and good things can cover my hollow ache
From forgiving you
I knew I’d be a different person
When everything blew over
The summer from hell I’ll remember it by
At least I got to keep my kindness
But I lost my love for life
I don’t look forward to the weekend
Not excited for the week
I can bury myself in art or just do nothing and watch tv
It doesn’t matter to me
I want those who hurt me to see this and know what they’ve done
But at the same time I’d rather me
Their casualty
Because I’ve never lost my kindness
I don’t want anyone to feel this but me
Sometimes an open heart is like a trap
No matter what I feel I cant react accordingly
I feel like I’m watching myself laugh
Rarely cry but always love
Maybe you’re just acting out my life for me
Pulling the strings until the trauma dims and I’m ready
Ready to come back to me
I just pray I don’t get ptsd
I can’t rush recovery
But I have nightmares every night
Don’t ask me why
And I rarely cry
Why don’t I cry?
Sometimes I play with makeup and clothes
Make believe I’m someone else
Not tough or strong or stoic
But young and stupid and selfish
She has a name and she’s nothing like me
But she’s awfully, awfully pretty
It’s nice to be a character in a story, not a person with a broken heart
Someone who can fade out
When the hero’s ready to pick up her sword
And try again
Be somebody who’s rescued not always doing the rescuing
I despise my strength
Because I can’t justify failing when I know I can do it
But I want to fail
I want to do shit
But I can’t just act like a dimwit
I can’t be dotty
Much as I love her stupid weak mask
Her beautiful aesthetic is only just that
Perhaps, I don’t wish to feel more rather less
Just be dumber and act on instinct
Perhaps I’m not watching myself from afar
But rather am too deep in my soul I want to scream
I just want to wake up at 8 again and start singing
I want to wish you heart breakers were watching
And had the ability to understand what I’m feeling
If they knew what it was like to want to scream in their own skin
Like I do every night
To want to bolt to the woods without any lights
To pull out my hair and throw up my guts
So that’s it, I can feel after all
I just know if I let myself go
There’ll be hell to pay
So I’ll just sleep in an extra three hours a day
Leave my clothes on the floor, have sex just to feel okay
And wait till my feelings are weak enough
For me to open them up
And let them come to my face
Something might be clean
Clean enough to wear to work
Maybe put on my husband’s shirts
Over it
I’ll look like shit
But I work with youth
I don’t have to put on airs for them
I just have to care for them
10 AM I woke up ten minutes ago
My alarm shook me out of rem sleep
Whats the matter with me?
I fell asleep 11 hours ago
Third night in a row
Nobody can honestly tell me that’s normal
On the outside I’m making friends
Got a raise
Living a life I couldn’t even dream for
But I put off falling asleep because that’s five minutes without distractions
To think of all I’ve lost
And the hollowness in my core
I pray for hours every weekend
Get to see you work through me
Shouldn’t that be enough?
To make me smile and laugh with all I am
To make me feel at peace?
This is hard, this is tough
No amount of effort and good things can cover my hollow ache
From forgiving you
I knew I’d be a different person
When everything blew over
The summer from hell I’ll remember it by
At least I got to keep my kindness
But I lost my love for life
I don’t look forward to the weekend
Not excited for the week
I can bury myself in art or just do nothing and watch tv
It doesn’t matter to me
I want those who hurt me to see this and know what they’ve done
But at the same time I’d rather me
Their casualty
Because I’ve never lost my kindness
I don’t want anyone to feel this but me
Sometimes an open heart is like a trap
No matter what I feel I cant react accordingly
I feel like I’m watching myself laugh
Rarely cry but always love
Maybe you’re just acting out my life for me
Pulling the strings until the trauma dims and I’m ready
Ready to come back to me
I just pray I don’t get ptsd
I can’t rush recovery
But I have nightmares every night
Don’t ask me why
And I rarely cry
Why don’t I cry?
Sometimes I play with makeup and clothes
Make believe I’m someone else
Not tough or strong or stoic
But young and stupid and selfish
She has a name and she’s nothing like me
But she’s awfully, awfully pretty
It’s nice to be a character in a story, not a person with a broken heart
Someone who can fade out
When the hero’s ready to pick up her sword
And try again
Be somebody who’s rescued not always doing the rescuing
I despise my strength
Because I can’t justify failing when I know I can do it
But I want to fail
I want to do shit
But I can’t just act like a dimwit
I can’t be dotty
Much as I love her stupid weak mask
Her beautiful aesthetic is only just that
Perhaps, I don’t wish to feel more rather less
Just be dumber and act on instinct
Perhaps I’m not watching myself from afar
But rather am too deep in my soul I want to scream
I just want to wake up at 8 again and start singing
I want to wish you heart breakers were watching
And had the ability to understand what I’m feeling
If they knew what it was like to want to scream in their own skin
Like I do every night
To want to bolt to the woods without any lights
To pull out my hair and throw up my guts
So that’s it, I can feel after all
I just know if I let myself go
There’ll be hell to pay
So I’ll just sleep in an extra three hours a day
Leave my clothes on the floor, have sex just to feel okay
And wait till my feelings are weak enough
For me to open them up
And let them come to my face
