Panic

​Everything’s a maybe
Hardly ever yes or no
I’m good today but how I’ll be tomorrow
I really don’t know
I live in the moment but not by choice
Because I can’t control what goes on in my head
So I might come to your party but I also might
Curl up in a dark corner, alone, instead
 
A million and one things to do
My physical body is capable
But my heart might start pounding a hundred beats per-minute
And suddenly they are impossible
I can only imagine what it must be like
To have to live with me this way
I’ll cook clean, write, do everything
And then do nothing the very next day
 
I strategize to beat my brain
And it’s crippling grip on my breath
On a day when I’m fine I’ll do all that I can
To prepare for the day I can hardly get dressed
Try to make a hundred friends
 But know in the end, only a couple will stick
Because I pick up the phone as I dial their number
And suddenly my stomach feels sick
 
I can blame no one but myself
For how few people I have in my life
I wish I could control it but every day
It’s a constant losing fight
I know I’m smart, capable and nice
Someone anyone would be happy to know
I know I can sing, love and work
But I’m limited to where I can go
 
Because the moment my breath becomes short,
My legs start to shake and my head feels like air
I’m stuck with my eyes closed, my legs at my chest
And my fingers running rapidly through my hair
But the worst of it is not what I can’t do
Or even the moments I’m hyperventilating
It’s seeing your eyes when I tell you what’s wrong
And you answer with utterly nothing.